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What I'd thought of as a vice was actually a precious source of information.
And the solution, when it came, was the exact opposite of the strategy I’d been using.
Warning: You will need to have some wisdom ready.
Other warning: That part is harder than you would think.
“Why didn’t she leave, if it was hurting her?” A guy friend asks me.
I forget which of the many news stories of harassment we were discussing, but it involved some all-powerful guy and some way-less-powerful woman. There was no force involved, there was nobody blocking the path to the exit.
Anthony (then 7): I’m writing about how we got bed bugs.
Me: What? Why?
Anthony: It’s asking how we spent the summer. So I’m writing about fighting bed bugs. Because that’s how we spent the summer.
“I was a foster kid too, you know.” I answered her once, with a shrug. Her eyes got really wide and she sat in silence for a minute.
“But you’re… you’re so happy. You’re happy all the time.” She said.
Me <unfolding my beautiful new value village shirt>: WHAT THE HELL IS THIS???
<I had failed to notice the very conspicuous LOGO on the sleeve>
Shirt: Hello, I am “Adidas”.
When my friend's miracle arrived, I realized that it wasn't hope that had been keeping us going all those years. In fact it was the exact opposite. It was knowing when to take a rest from hope.
Also, if they keep it up I'm gonna STOP LETTING THEM GO TO CHURCH!
I am grumpy about the word “porn”. On the old blog, my most googled post was entitled “Martha Stewart and Porn”. It got, like ten times the hits of all the other posts combined.
I am sure this led to many disappointed googlers.
When I fly in planes, I like to spend the whole time staring out the window with my mouth hanging open like "I CANNOT BELIEVE I AM SEEING CLOUDS FROM THE TOP!!!".
This annoys other passengers a great deal. Particularly if I am not in the window seat. Because some people have no spiritual imagination and do not understand that the price of seeing the miracles surrounding you is that sometimes someone's t-shirt ends up dipping itself in someone else's coffee.
Eric: How do you open these stupid bottles?
Anthony: It's easy!
Eric: No it's not, it's--... Mom. WHY are you laughing?
Me: You are clearly getting too old to open childproof bottles. This is one of the rules of the Universe. Ask your brother to help you. He is young enough to be able to do it. See how he is hopping up and down yelling "me try me try me try"?
Eric: Anthony? Do you really know how to open these?
Anthony: AbsoLUTEly. What I do is, I throw them really hard at the floor.
1) There is deep wisdom to be found in the cycles of nature.
2) Pinterest is full of DIRTY ROTTEN LYING LIARPANTSES.
3) Sunflowers are scary. They grow so creepy fast that you start to worry that they are not real plants, and they are ALWAYS SMILING REALLY WIDE. If Sunflowers were people, they would trend on Instagram and make us all hate our own lives before crashing in a heap of exhaustion from blowing over in the wind from being so tall before they are ready.
Dear new guy in aerobics class,
I see you way at the back, cheeks red with humiliation, occasionally wincing into the mirror when you catch sight of yourself. Trying desperately to follow the perfectly synchronized flailing of limbs that is the rest of the class.
The hardest part about preaching, for me, is learning to speak slowly. I have been told it is a bad idea to cram everything I have to say into one sermon because for heaven's sake what if I succeed?
Since I prefer to speak so quickly you can't absorb a word I say, this is not generally a problem.
Perhaps I should have been an academic, after all.