Liz James Writes

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The Magical Advice Giving Formula that will get kids to stop what they are doing and hang intently on every word of your wisdom
The Magical Advice Giving Formula that will get kids to stop what they are doing and hang intently on every word of your wisdom

Warning:  You will need to have some wisdom ready.

Other warning:  That part is harder than you would think.

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Why socialization really is a strong enough force to keep her in the room when she wants to leave.
Why socialization really is a strong enough force to keep her in the room when she wants to leave.

“Why didn’t she leave, if it was hurting her?” A guy friend asks me.

I forget which of the many news stories of harassment we were discussing, but it involved some all-powerful guy and some way-less-powerful woman. There was no force involved, there was nobody blocking the path to the exit.

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I am SO glad we had all those bed bugs
I am SO glad we had all those bed bugs

Anthony (then 7):  I’m writing about how we got bed bugs.

Me:  What? Why? 

Anthony:  It’s asking how we spent the summer.  So I’m writing about fighting bed bugs.  Because that’s how we spent the summer.

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I know why the caged bird poops
I know why the caged bird poops

“I was a foster kid too, you know.” I answered her once, with a shrug.  Her eyes got really wide and she sat in silence for a minute.

“But you’re… you’re so happy.  You’re happy all the time.” She said.

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Me, arguing with my t-shirt
Me, arguing with my t-shirt

Me <unfolding my beautiful new value village shirt>:  WHAT THE HELL IS THIS???

<I had failed to notice the very conspicuous LOGO on the sleeve>

Shirt:  Hello, I am “Adidas”.

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You can give up hope.  If you want.
You can give up hope. If you want.

When my friend's miracle arrived, I realized that it wasn't hope that had been keeping us going all those years.  In fact it was the exact opposite.  It was knowing when to take a rest from hope.

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I do not know "from whence the divine speak", but I've ruled out both of my kids as possibilities...
I do not know "from whence the divine speak", but I've ruled out both of my kids as possibilities...

Also, if they keep it up I'm gonna STOP LETTING THEM GO TO CHURCH!

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On the dangers of house porn, and my progress in recovering from addiction to it...
On the dangers of house porn, and my progress in recovering from addiction to it...

I am grumpy about the word “porn”.  On the old blog, my most googled post was entitled “Martha Stewart and Porn”.  It got, like ten times the hits of all the other posts combined.

I am sure this led to many disappointed googlers.

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The perils of me-on-planes...
The perils of me-on-planes...

When I fly in planes, I like to spend the whole time staring out the window with my mouth hanging open like "I CANNOT BELIEVE I AM SEEING CLOUDS FROM THE TOP!!!".  

This annoys other passengers a great deal.  Particularly if I am not in the window seat.  Because some people have no spiritual imagination and do not understand that the price of seeing the miracles surrounding you is that sometimes someone's t-shirt ends up dipping itself in someone else's coffee.

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Ten steps for days when you realize you aren't able to adult properly...
Ten steps for days when you realize you aren't able to adult properly...

Eric: How do you open these stupid bottles?
Anthony: It's easy!
Eric: No it's not, it's--... Mom. WHY are you laughing?
Me: You are clearly getting too old to open childproof bottles. This is one of the rules of the Universe. Ask your brother to help you. He is young enough to be able to do it. See how he is hopping up and down yelling "me try me try me try"?
Eric: Anthony? Do you really know how to open these?
Anthony: AbsoLUTEly. What I do is, I throw them really hard at the floor.

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Pinterest is full of DIRTY ROTTEN LYING LIARPANTSES!!!
Pinterest is full of DIRTY ROTTEN LYING LIARPANTSES!!!

1) There is deep wisdom to be found in the cycles of nature.

2) Pinterest is full of DIRTY ROTTEN LYING LIARPANTSES.

3) Sunflowers are scary.  They grow so creepy fast that you start to worry that they are not real plants, and they are ALWAYS SMILING REALLY WIDE.  If Sunflowers were people, they would trend on Instagram and make us all hate our own lives before crashing in a heap of exhaustion from blowing over in the wind from being so tall before they are ready.

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Dear new guy in aerobics class
Dear new guy in aerobics class

Dear new guy in aerobics class,

I see you way at the back, cheeks red with humiliation, occasionally wincing into the mirror when you catch sight of yourself. Trying desperately to follow the perfectly synchronized flailing of limbs that is the rest of the class.

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In lieu of meditation, I bring you Pigeon-Rats
In lieu of meditation, I bring you Pigeon-Rats

The hardest part about preaching, for me, is learning to speak slowly.  I have been told it is a bad idea to cram everything I have to say into one sermon because for heaven's sake what if I succeed?

Since I prefer to speak so quickly you can't absorb a word I say, this is not generally a problem.

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The blood spattered pause
The blood spattered pause

Without darkness, nothing comes to birth. -May Sarton

I would add:  Without enough blood to pass for a murder scene, nothing comes to birth.  

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no-God wears comfortable shoes
no-God wears comfortable shoes

They’ve got God, and I’ve got no-God.

Don’t misunderstand me. I’m not saying they have a thing and I don’t. I’m saying they have a thing and I have a different thing.

No-God is a thing in and of itself. No-God is endlessly practical. She wears comfortable shoes, and fanny pack stocked with all kinds of things that are real and useful.

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