Two years ago, I had a Big Crash. It doesn’t show up here on the blog, because this blog only started a year ago. But I was Facebooking about it. Facebook, of course, tends to disappear into the ether… so this week, for my friend who is having a hard time, I went back and collected this series of status updates.
“Why didn’t she leave, if it was hurting her?” A guy friend asks me.
I forget which of the many news stories of harassment we were discussing, but it involved some all-powerful guy and some way-less-powerful woman. There was no force involved, there was nobody blocking the path to the exit.
When I fly in planes, I like to spend the whole time staring out the window with my mouth hanging open like "I CANNOT BELIEVE I AM SEEING CLOUDS FROM THE TOP!!!".
This annoys other passengers a great deal. Particularly if I am not in the window seat. Because some people have no spiritual imagination and do not understand that the price of seeing the miracles surrounding you is that sometimes someone's t-shirt ends up dipping itself in someone else's coffee.
Eric: How do you open these stupid bottles? Anthony: It's easy! Eric: No it's not, it's--... Mom. WHY are you laughing? Me: You are clearly getting too old to open childproof bottles. This is one of the rules of the Universe. Ask your brother to help you. He is young enough to be able to do it. See how he is hopping up and down yelling "me try me try me try"? Eric: Anthony? Do you really know how to open these? Anthony: AbsoLUTEly. What I do is, I throw them really hard at the floor.
1) There is deep wisdom to be found in the cycles of nature.
2) Pinterest is full of DIRTY ROTTEN LYING LIARPANTSES.
3) Sunflowers are scary. They grow so creepy fast that you start to worry that they are not real plants, and they are ALWAYS SMILING REALLY WIDE. If Sunflowers were people, they would trend on Instagram and make us all hate our own lives before crashing in a heap of exhaustion from blowing over in the wind from being so tall before they are ready.