Me <unfolding my beautiful new value village shirt>: WHAT THE HELL IS THIS???
<I had failed to notice the very conspicuous LOGO on the sleeve>
Shirt: Hello, I am “Adidas”.
Me: Why do you have to be “Adidas” on the OUTSIDE. Why can’t you be Adidas on the little white tag on the INSIDE? That is what the tag is invented for. You can be all kinds of things in there. Machine washable, size medium…. Dream big, little t-shirt. On the INSIDE.
Shirt: On the OUTSIDE. Because you want to tell the world you bought a shirt named “Adidas”.
Me: I don’t.
Shirt: You do. You bought me, because I am Adidas. Everyone buys me for being Adidas.
Me: I bought you because you are deep purple and I love deep purple.
Shirt: But “Adidas” tells the world about who you are.
Me: No, my mouth tells the world about who I am, and trust me it is plenty up to the task.
Shirt: Look, it’s called a “brand”.
Me: Well, that’s just gross. Brands are for cows. To say who they belong to. And I’m not even entirely comfortable with that.
Shirt: Big talk from someone who is a walking Apple Store.
Me: That is different. Apple products are practical for me.
Shirt: Look. This kind of sorting of humans is not new--only the commercialization of it. You choose categories all the time with your appearance. In the Middle Ages, monks wore outfits to signify their place in a religious power structure, or knights in a military one... For you, you choose an external appearance that brands you as a middle class female from a "western" country. Don't think of it as donating your body as a commercial for some company. Think of it as... just one more step in a process that is fundamentally part of human experience.
Shirt: I did not create your dumb culture, I am just profiting off of it economically.
Me: I MAKE MY OWN TRIBAL AFFILIATIONS!!! I DO NOT WANT TO BE ADIDAS, I WANT TO BE MY OWN TRIBE THAT IS MY OWN UNIQUE STYLE! That says "I am practical", and "I am creative" and "I have kids" and...
Shirt: ...and "I love to bake".
Me: I am just saying, it is unreasonable to ask me to remember to put on an apron before baking, and ALSO to take it off after baking. That is too many things to remember.
Shirt: ... and "I spill things when I eat" and "I don't own an iron".
Me: I call it "anti-establishment lazy homeless elf clothing". And I like it. It's practical.
Shirt: Look. You're not gonna toss me over some childish rebellion against a little tiny symbol, are you? How is that "practical"? You gonna grant the symbols that type of power?
Shirt: SHUT UP AND ACCEPT YOUR BRANDING, LADY!!!
Me: GARRRRYYYYYY! THE CLOTHES ARE PLANNING A MUTINOUS TAKE OVER.
Gary did not answer, because a) you can see from his closet that they’ve already got him, and b) he is still in Australia, where he has been for a week and a half which is why I am talking to my clothing.
If you liked this post, may I recommend... Robots reading the blog... and The Perils of Me On Planes...